From: R & S Scarcella & Family [inbox@webpastor.com] Sent: Wednesday, 8 March 2000 10:11 AM To: inbox@webpastor.com Subject: CoGS Weekly Hits! 2000 Vol.3. No.2 YOUR CoGS WEEKLY HITS! - FREE NETMAGAZINE distributed by Rev. Rocco & Mrs. Susan Scarcella from Church of the Good Shepherd Bossley Park NSW Australia WEBSITE: www.webpastor.com ITEMS, JOKES ETC TO: hits@webpastor.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe@webpastor.com UNSUBSCRIBE: unsubscribe@webpastor.com (Please write "no hits" in the subject frame) WHAT IS CHRISTIANITY?: http://www.christianity.net.au +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Dear NetFamily, We had a congregational funeral yesterday. Funerals are sobering things, aren't they? One of the things it made us think of is, when our time comes, what will people say about us? Most importantly, what will God say when we stand before his throne of judgement? It helps those "petty things" (that may preoccupy our minds from time to time) begin to fall into their proper perspective, doesn't it! READING FROM THE WORD OF GOD Samuel said to all Israel: "I have listened to everything you said to me and have set a king over you. Now you have a king as your leader. As for me, I am old and grey and my sons are here with you. I have been your leader from my youth until this day. Here I stand. Testify against me in the presence of the Lord and His anointed. Whose ox have I taken? Whose donkey have I taken? Whom have I oppressed? From whose hand have I accepted a bribe to make me shut my eyes? If I have done any of these, I will make it right." 1 Samuel 12:1-3 (NIV) Why wait for someone else to give you a eulogy? Why not give yourself one? Would we be brave enough? Samuel was. He stood before his peers and gave a summary of his life. And he challenged them to tell him if he had exercised his duties as judge of Israel in an improper manner. Note that he did not ask them to tell him whether he talked too much or whether he was over the top or if his clothes sense left something to be desired. He was not asking them to tell him he was perfect, just to tell him whether or not he had done his job in an honest and upright manner. And the verdict was an overwhelming vote of confidence. By setting this standard, Samuel left a legacy to Saul, his successor and the first king, a legacy of fairness and honesty that all of us need to take note of, because, like Samuel, we will one day have to stand before our peers. More importantly, we will all have to stand before our God, and he will see all the things that humans miss. TESTIMONY "You are an accident! You don't deserve to be here. No matter what you do, it will not be good enough, even for God Himself." These were my mother's words to me from childhood. I believed her. My parents divorced, I was molested, lost my virginity, and then tried to end my life. I married and divorced a creep who beat me, and then got pregnant by another who abandoned me with a three-week old baby. Finally, I met the guy I'm married to now. In the first five years of our marriage we were homeless three times. Then we attended a church where we both got saved. What a difference! My husband works, we're stable, and blessed of God. God is so wonderful. All I was looking for was love, and I found it." "The love of God is shed abroad in your hearts." Rom.5:5 --submitted by Barb CHALLLENGE A Skeptic (written by Jesse C. Stevens, Signs of the Times, July 29, 1941) A man somewhat skeptical sat down to read the Bible one hour each evening. After a while he said to his wife, "If this Book is right, we are wrong." A few evenings later he said, "If this Book is right, we are lost." Later he said, "If this Book is right, we may be saved." And they were. Share Jesus Today! Tomorrow may be too late! PRAYER POINTS **Thank God for his saving grace, shown in Christ Jesus. Thank him that he can save us from ourselves and can change us. **Thank God that nothing is out of his control, and that our times are in his hands. **Pray to God for forgiveness for our failures and thank him that we have the assurance of that forgiveness. **Thank God for answered prayer for little Larissa. Pat C writes: Will try to update you on hubby, Bill, and precious little Grandaughter LaRissa. LaRissa is much better...still running a little low grade fever and coughing." **Keep Patti in your prayers. She is going for more tests. ** Bill, Rose T's stepfather will be operated on for blocked arteries on March 14th. Keep Bill and the family in your prayers. **Shirley T's mother Dorrie has gone to be with the Lord. Keep Shirley and the family in your prayers as they cope with their loss. **Praise God for the positive feedback we have got from the Hits! Pray for even more people to receive them and be challenged. ** Give thanks for V who sent on to us a whole box of pens for the kids in the Orphanage in Indonesia. **Give thanks for improvements in health this week for Peter J.& Vera G. **Keep praying for our church. Pray in the name of Jesus against the spirit of bitterness, dissension and antagonism. **Pray for outreaches going on all over Sydney in the lead up to the Olympics. Our Church will be running "Fresh Start 2000" in May. **Pray for Christian work that will be going on amongst athletes and visitors during the Olympics themselves. HAHAHA CORNER **A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm a Christian." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian."Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist." --submitted by Rose T. WARNING!: TWO "POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKES FOLLOW (LOL)... **Please note that with the arrival of the new 'Drive Thru' Cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances i.e. MALE or FEMALE and remember them when you use the cash machine for the first time. [Remember, this is a JOKE!] MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Wind down window. 3. Insert card into cash machine & enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required & withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash & receipt. 6. Wind up window. 7. Drive away FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine. 3. Restart the stalled engine. 4. Wind down window. 5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card. 6. Locate make-up bag & check make-up in rear view mirror. 7. Attempt to insert card into machine. 8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car. 9. Insert card. 10. Insert card the right way up. 11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page. 12. Enter PIN. 13. Press cancel & re-enter PIN correctly. 14. Enter amount of cash required. 15. Retrieve cash & receipt. 16. Empty bag again to locate purse to place cash into. 17. Place receipt in back of cheque book. 18. Drive forward 2 metres. 19. Reverse back to cash machine. 20. Retrieve card. 21. Re-check make-up. 22. Restart stalled engine again & pull away. 23. Drive for 3 to 4 miles. 24. Release handbrake. --submitted by Wayne Sole **Subject: Cultural Differences Explained with Political Incorrectness Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their worst programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. --submitted by Brian Cole (Canadian born Aussie!) **Thanks to ArcaMax the following information.[ http://www.arcamax.com ] We thought you might like to know this: March is International Mirth Month International Listening Awareness Month Music In Out Schools Month National Umbrella Month Optimism Month Youth Art Month Special Weeks in March 1-7 Return the Borrowed Books Week Save Your Vision Week 5-11 - National Pancake Week 6-12 - National Procrastination Week 8-14 - Universal Women's Week 19-25 - Anonymous Giving Week 19-25 - National Spring Fever Week 27-Apr 2 - National Clutter Awareness Week Special Days in March 1 - National Pig Day Stop Bad Service Day 3 - I Want You to Be Happy Day National Anthem Day 4 - Hug a G.I. Day 9 - Panic Day 10 - Employee Appreciation Day 14 - Moth-er Day (people who collect moths) 15 - Ides of March - Beware! 17 - Saint Patrick's Day 18 - National Quilting Day 20 - Smile Rejuvenation Day International Life Day Proposal Day 21 - Memory Day (or is it tomorrow?) 22 - As Young As You Feel Day International Goof-Off Day 23 - Liberty Day 26 - Make Up Your Own Holiday Day ========================================= Rocco: "Hey, Sue, what about making up our own Holiday Day?" Sue: "Hey, Rocco, how about TAKING me on a holiday? LOL" Rocco: "Doh!" Keep sending your jokes, testimonies, etc! That's all until next week. Rocco and Sue. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++