Doormats & Boundaries:
“You Don’t Have To Be A Doormat!”
The words borders or boundaries may bring up images of walls and barriers to intimacy but God did not intend us to be cut off from others. Conversely, once you understand what boundaries are and what they are intended to do, you will appreciate how essential they are in developing healthy relationships, encouraging the flow of love and freedom and establishing appropriate responsibility.
“I will establish your borders” Exodus 23:31 God instructed His people that He would be responsible for establishing their borders and driving out their enemies but that they would need to co-operate with that process. They were also instructed not to tolerate evil within their borders.
Mature relationships depend on the foundation of a clear Christ based identity and appreciation for your own uniqueness and specialness as an individual. Often, abused individuals have learned to derive their identity from others. In order to minimise abuse they often suppress their own individuality. Consequently, they learn to tolerate bad things within their boundaries.
Desirable, healthy relationships will not include dependencies on others, either by passivity (which is a lack of boundaries), manipulation or by aggression. Rather, healthy mature relationships are based on the ability to be assertive, that is, the ability to be both respectful and honest with yourself and others. This requires clear healthy boundaries.
When people adopt a passive boundary-less role in relationships, they actually violate their own value by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. This consequently permits others to violate them. Passivity is also demonstrated by expressing thoughts and feelings in such an apologetic or self-effacing manner that others can easily disregard them. {e.g. saying “sorry” too frequently and inappropriately}. The “messages”
often communicated by passivity in relationships are: “I don’t count; you can take advantage of me,” or “My feelings are not important” (which attracts abuse and abusers).
You will never fully enjoy the life God intends you to have if you don’t learn how to set healthy boundaries. Unless you establish clear boundaries even well meaning people will violate them. When you have weak boundaries you will let others hurt you, while you gradually increase your tolerance until you can tolerate things you said you never would, then finally get angry. Your boundaries are your values; they are what identify you and define who you really are.
Within the Trinity God has boundaries. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are one but distinct persons within their own boundaries. Each has identity and responsibilities as well as connection and love for one another (John 17:24). God limits what he will allow into his presence. He confronts sin and allows for the consequences of sinful behaviour. He invites in those who love him and believe in His Son and allows His love to flow out to them. The
gates of His boundaries allow in the good and keep out the bad. In the same way He made us in His likeness (Gen 1:26) and gave us authority and responsibility within limits.
Boundaries are anything that define what is me and what is not me.
Some Types of Boundaries
Skin: Designed to keep the good in and the bad out. At birth the child is separated physically from its mother for the first time and the process of separation is continuous. Many victims of sexual and physical abuse were not taught as children that their skin is their boundary. Others were allowed to invade and violate their boundaries making it difficult for them to establish boundaries later in
life. We need to teach children when and where touch is appropriate.
Words: The most basic is “no”. Your words let others know where you stand. When a child begins to say “no” he/she is starting to set personal, invisible boundaries. The “terrible twos” don’t seem so terrible if we realise that the child is beginning to express his sense of being a separate creature from Mum and Dad.
If you cannot say “no” to external pressure and internal pressures you have let go of self-control. Your words let people know where they stand with you, (eg “I hate it when you talk as if I wasn’t here”).
Truth: Know the truth about yourself and face it. Know the truth about God and you will be able to define yourself in relation to His truth. Know God’s laws and do your best to live within them. Satan will try to twist God’s truth (“did God say …”) so you need to be very familiar with His truth .
Geographical distance: Sometimes it is prudent to remove yourself from danger and establish a safe place. No one should remain in a household where there is physical abuse taking place. Jesus often left the crowd to rest and be replenished. It may be necessary to physically remove yourself from an abusive relationship.
Time: Taking time out from a relationship can improve the relationship. Adult children who return home after some time away often find their relationship with parents has improved
Emotional distance: A temporary boundary to give yourself space and to allow the other time to demonstrate change. By withdrawing emotionally for a short period in an abusive relationship the other person is given an opportunity to be responsible for their actions and to demonstrate true repentance.
Support for the establishment and maintenance of boundaries
You will need others to help you set and keep boundaries. Relying only on an abusive relationship for love and companionship makes us too vulnerable and fearful to change. You will also need to learn new skills.
How do we know when boundaries are crossed
Although you can’t see your own boundaries you can tell they are there when someone crosses them (eg when someone tries to control you, tries to get too close to you, or asks you to do something you don’t think is right). (Prov 27:12) You should feel some sense of internal protest. Allow for some consequences for when your boundaries are broken. Natural consequences are best.
Prov. 23:10-11 – “Do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless for their Defender is strong, he will take up their case against you.” (Respect the boundaries of others especially the vulnerable.)
Some examples of what lies within your boundaries and are therefore your responsibility
Feelings – own your own feelings –feelings come from your heart.
Guard your heart for from it flows the essence of life (Prov 4:23.)
Attitudes - own the way you relate to others - be willing to examine them.
The stand you take towards others (judgments, prejudices)
Beliefs - own your beliefs (anything you accept as true) - be willing to examine them.
Examine the foundations of your beliefs – be sure they are not just “the traditions of men”
Behaviours - face the consequences of your behaviour.
Be aware of the law of sowing and reaping (Gal 6:7-8) Don’t try to rescue others from the natural consequences of their behaviours nor allow yourself to be rescued (it robs you of your power).
Choices - be responsible for your choices. This leads to healthy self-control.
Brother of the prodigal son made his own choices so should not be resentful
Values - be responsible for your values – what you love and assign importance to
Allow God to bring the changes (eg Valuing the approval of men not God )
Limits - self control without repression - limit your exposure to hurtful people.
Important when creating healthy boundaries
Talents - your responsibility to exercise and be productive.
In the Parable of the Talents the servant was afraid of failure.
Thoughts - separate them from distortions - own them.
Never surrender your mind and thoughts to others control
Grow in knowledge and wisdom and challenge distorted thinking
Desires - separate them from lusts -own them and pursue them.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desire of your heart”
Love - giving and receiving.
Love should flow freely in and out.
Boundary Problems and Personality Types
Compliants: Letting in the Bad
If you refuse a child permission to say “no” you handicap that child for life. As adults they say “yes” to bad things. Compliants have indistinct boundaries. They are chameleons so that it becomes hard to separate them from their environment. They lack the ability to “guard their hearts” (Prov. 4:23) Saying “no” is difficult for fear of:
- Hurting another’s feeling
- Someone’s anger, (even God’s presumed anger)
- Being seen as bad, selfish, unspiritual, too strict, critical
Avoidants: Keep out the Good
An inability to recognise one’s own needs and ask for help. Saying “no” when we should be saying “yes” (sinful self-protection). Our personal boundaries should include entry points. This form of self-protection is not what God intended.
Compliant-Avoidants
They have no boundaries where they should have them and boundaries where they shouldn’t have them (Reverse Boundaries), They look for someone to repair.
Controllers: Disrespect for Others Boundaries
Controllers can be aggressive or manipulative. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and their own lives. They are driven by fear of being unloved and abandoned. However, we cant demand love of others – the demand kills the gift.
Nonresponsives: Cannot empathise with others
Some nonresponsives have a critical spirit toward other’s needs.
Others are totally absorbed in their own self-centred desires (Narcissism)
Nonresponsive-Controllers
These gravitate to people with blurry boundaries who will take on too many responsibilities and wont complain. They look for someone to help them avoid responsibility.
Bibliography
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1998). Boundaries with kids. Sydney: Strand.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2000). Boundaries before marriage. Sydney: Strand.
Test Your Own Boundaries!
Here are some thought provoking statements to help you test and challenge your existing boundaries and help you reset your boundaries where appropriate.
SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION:
· To make choices in my life beyond mere survival.
· To discover, get to know and allow God to challenge my boundaries.
· To grieve over and forgive the less than perfect parenting I received.
· To recognise and accept my own value system and follow my own standards.
· To say NO to anything I am not ready for or is unsafe or which violates my values.
· To have dignity and expect to receive respect.
· To make decisions in harmony with my boundaries.
· To determine and honour my priorities and not surrender control to others.
· To expect my needs and desires to be respected by others.
· To end conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated.
· Not to be responsible for the behaviour of others.
· To empathise but not to be responsible for the feelings or problems of others.
· Not to be perfect or expect others to be perfect.
· To make mistakes and allow others to make mistakes without rescuing.
· To be honest and expect honesty from others.
· To acknowledge my own feelings, desires and needs.
· To be angry even with those I love.
· To be me without feeling I am not good enough.
· To feel scared and say “I am afraid”.
· To experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame.
· To change my mind and allow others to change.
· To be happy.
-AM Christian Counsellor
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